Just a girl...who had a girl

Four months in and I still have days that I feel totally inadequate to be mom to the most amazing little girl, Milla Jade. She stole my heart from the moment I found out I was pregnant and when they laid her on my chest for the first time, I knew I would never be the same. Motherhood is one of the most exhausting, terrifying, challenging, heartbreaking, exhilarating, rewarding, overwhelming, incredible,  unpredictable, stressful, miraculous, life-changing, fun, and absolutely AMAZING journeys I have ever been on. Everyday is a new adventure watching a little one grow and change and what a gift it is to be a parent and watch that unfold. I remember making a list of things that would change after having a baby. It had the obvious things like less sleep and less money, but I've been surprised by a few things...some good...some not so good. First of all, HAVING a baby was one of the most magical experiences of my life. I did NOT expect that. I'm pretty sure I would not feel the same if I had not had an epidural. I had THE BEST nurses and doctor and they made it so easy and memorable. I'm not sure anyone can truly prepare you for the discomfort after a vaginal delivery, and I'm no wuss. My donut was my best friend for about 6 weeks. It takes longer than a few months for the body to recover from the trauma of childbirth. At 4 months, I'm still recovering and there are some aspects that will probably never be the same. I had envisioned getting back in shape during the 12 weeks I was off from work. I saw myself running with the baby stroller and dropping below my pre pregnancy weight without much effort. Four months later and I haven't gone running a single time, with or without Milla and I haven't made it back to my pre pregnancy weight yet. Around 6 weeks my hair started to fall out and if it keeps up it's current rate, I may be bald before Milla hits 5 months. During that first 12 weeks, when Milla would cry, so would I. It broke my heart every time. I suffered from the baby blues and I never thought that could be me. I have never felt more vulnerable and scared and lonely as I have as a first time mom. Pregnancy hormones after baby can be very cruel. You get way more unsolicited criticism and advice than you do accolades. That's probably life in general, it's just more obvious when you're very emotional and tired and feel like you need someone to just let you know you're doing a great job when you feel like you are failing miserably. I envisioned that Brendon would be a great dad, but he is even better than I could have ever imagined. He doesn't sweat the small stuff. He keeps me grounded. Being a dad has made him an even better husband and he takes great care of his girls. My sister has been my most treasured confidant and resource during this past 4 months. I have watched her for 10 years be the kind of mom to Reagan that I want to be and I so value her experience and insight. She is one of the most patient people I know and God has a lot of work to get me there. I'm so grateful for her influence in my life. Big sisters who become best friends are the best. I love my sister more than words and I am so proud of her. A baby's gummy grin can make you forget your bad day and gives true perspective. Nothing matters more than God and my family. Milla has been worth everything and I would do it all over again to get to be her Mommy. I will never be a perfect Mom, but I pray that I will be the Mom that Milla needs and that God will continue to mold me and equip me for this journey. If I compare myself to others, I will only be reminded of my weaknesses, but if I keep my eyes fixed on the Father, I will find my strength in Him. This is a wild ride and I'm pretty sure I'm in for quite a few more surprises along the way. None will surprise me more than the fact that I can love this little girl more every day when it feels like my heart is already so full. I love you Milla Jade!