Just a girl...trying to trust

As I listened to a discussion on gun control in the wake of the Parkland, Florida school shooting, I couldn’t help but be afraid for the world I have brought my baby girl into. It makes me want to lock her up in our home and never let her out where predators are waiting to steal her innocence and other seemingly innocent kids are scheming to negatively influence her and lead her down the wrong path. I was gently reminded that I did not alone bring my curly-haired, sassy princess into this world, but she is a child of the King and was created by Him for such a time as this. He has placed in her what she needs to not only survive in her world, but to influence and change it. It’s my job to speak and to live Jesus in front of her so she knows Who’s she is and how to love the world around her. It’s my struggle releasing her into His hands and not trying to overprotect her and keep her from adventure because of fear. This is not the world I grew up in, but mine was not the world my parents grew up in either. My parents did an amazing job of leaving my tether so long that I learned to be independent, but also tethering me to Jesus so that when I found myself in questionable circumstances, I was never alone and He would give me the words to say and guide my steps away from where I didn’t need to be. They covered me in prayers and trusted Him with my life. He has called me to be Milla’s Mommy. It’s an overwhelming responsibility if I take my eyes off of Him and look around at the circumstances in our world. It requires trust. It requires daily covering her in prayer and placing her in His hands and throwing up mine in surrender. I have been reading a book called “She is Yours: Trusting God as You Raise The Girl He Gave You.” In it’s pages is the most beautiful and yet the most challenging prayer I have ever prayed:

Dear God, 

I release my daughter into your care.

I surrender my desire to control her.

I surrender my desire to manipulate her future.

I surrender my tendency to overprotect, shelter, and suffocate her.

I surrender my desire to be her best friend, first.

I surrender my own dreams for her.

I surrender my need to be her source.

She is Yours.

I’m totally open to you, dependent on you, and desperate for you to be in control as I let go.

I’m relying on the fact that You are God and that You have created my daughter for your purpose and for this time.

I pray that You will draw her to Yourself.

I pray that she will delight in You.

I pray that You will be patient with her.

I pray that You will provide for her.

I pray that You will bless her.

I pray that You will use her to be a blessing to others.

I pray that You will mature her.

And ultimately, I pray that she will show Jesus in her very being.

I trust in Your sovereignty. I wait in expectation for Your providence.

Lord, she is Yours, and I trust You with her.

Amen

This is the difficult and necessary cry of my heart. I want to hold her and never let go, but if I do that I hold her back from who God has created her to be. So I must trust.

Britt

Just a girl...who had a girl

Four months in and I still have days that I feel totally inadequate to be mom to the most amazing little girl, Milla Jade. She stole my heart from the moment I found out I was pregnant and when they laid her on my chest for the first time, I knew I would never be the same. Motherhood is one of the most exhausting, terrifying, challenging, heartbreaking, exhilarating, rewarding, overwhelming, incredible,  unpredictable, stressful, miraculous, life-changing, fun, and absolutely AMAZING journeys I have ever been on. Everyday is a new adventure watching a little one grow and change and what a gift it is to be a parent and watch that unfold. I remember making a list of things that would change after having a baby. It had the obvious things like less sleep and less money, but I've been surprised by a few things...some good...some not so good. First of all, HAVING a baby was one of the most magical experiences of my life. I did NOT expect that. I'm pretty sure I would not feel the same if I had not had an epidural. I had THE BEST nurses and doctor and they made it so easy and memorable. I'm not sure anyone can truly prepare you for the discomfort after a vaginal delivery, and I'm no wuss. My donut was my best friend for about 6 weeks. It takes longer than a few months for the body to recover from the trauma of childbirth. At 4 months, I'm still recovering and there are some aspects that will probably never be the same. I had envisioned getting back in shape during the 12 weeks I was off from work. I saw myself running with the baby stroller and dropping below my pre pregnancy weight without much effort. Four months later and I haven't gone running a single time, with or without Milla and I haven't made it back to my pre pregnancy weight yet. Around 6 weeks my hair started to fall out and if it keeps up it's current rate, I may be bald before Milla hits 5 months. During that first 12 weeks, when Milla would cry, so would I. It broke my heart every time. I suffered from the baby blues and I never thought that could be me. I have never felt more vulnerable and scared and lonely as I have as a first time mom. Pregnancy hormones after baby can be very cruel. You get way more unsolicited criticism and advice than you do accolades. That's probably life in general, it's just more obvious when you're very emotional and tired and feel like you need someone to just let you know you're doing a great job when you feel like you are failing miserably. I envisioned that Brendon would be a great dad, but he is even better than I could have ever imagined. He doesn't sweat the small stuff. He keeps me grounded. Being a dad has made him an even better husband and he takes great care of his girls. My sister has been my most treasured confidant and resource during this past 4 months. I have watched her for 10 years be the kind of mom to Reagan that I want to be and I so value her experience and insight. She is one of the most patient people I know and God has a lot of work to get me there. I'm so grateful for her influence in my life. Big sisters who become best friends are the best. I love my sister more than words and I am so proud of her. A baby's gummy grin can make you forget your bad day and gives true perspective. Nothing matters more than God and my family. Milla has been worth everything and I would do it all over again to get to be her Mommy. I will never be a perfect Mom, but I pray that I will be the Mom that Milla needs and that God will continue to mold me and equip me for this journey. If I compare myself to others, I will only be reminded of my weaknesses, but if I keep my eyes fixed on the Father, I will find my strength in Him. This is a wild ride and I'm pretty sure I'm in for quite a few more surprises along the way. None will surprise me more than the fact that I can love this little girl more every day when it feels like my heart is already so full. I love you Milla Jade!

Just a girl...expecting

I'm just a girl who has learned a lot about herself in the past several years. One somewhat surprising discovery was that I wanted to be a mom. I can remember as a kid thinking I would someday have kids, but somewhere along the way I had buried that so far down that I didn't know it still existed. Brendon and I were enjoying the carefree life of marrieds with no kids. It was really great. :) And then God unburied my hidden desire. The road to motherhood has been very bumpy and I have fallen a few times, but God didn't put me on a journey He hasn't prepared me to handle. He gave me the most amazing husband, family, and friends who let me stay there a minute and get my bearings and then encouraged me to get back up. He gave me the strength to pull myself back up and His Word to stand on when I finally found my feet beneath me. You see, when you go through tough times, no one can pull you up but you. It's a choice you make to stay on the ground and wallow in defeat, or stand up and continue on the path God has placed you on. Those bumps were two miscarriages that taught me more about myself and others than anything I have ever been though.  I learned how to be vulnerable and that it's not a weakness, but a strength. I learned to give people a break because you never know what battles they are facing that you don't see and they may not have found the strength to talk about. I learned that the loneliest experience of a woman's life is the loss of a child. It's so painful that you don't want to tell people, but at the same time you want to talk with someone who understands the pain...but no one really does. Not because women aren't having them, but because no two experiences are the same. I learned that God's Word is true and He will never leave us alone in our struggles. His Presence was there every second of every day. He didn't say much, but listened and let me cry on His shoulder. I learned that strength isn't in having it all together, but in the ability to adapt to the crashing waves of life and learn to ride the storm instead of letting it overtake and drown you. I learned that God really is my rock and I don't know how people get through these kinds of life experiences without Him. This is not the path I would have chosen for myself, but I wouldn't trade the two little lives that I carried and the life lessons they taught me for anything in the world. I am different...better.

Britt

P.S. I wrote this one, I think, shortly after I found out I was pregnant with Milla, but I wasn't quite ready to share yet.

Grateful

Today marks the halfway point of my pregnancy with my sweet baby girl. While I sit here feeling her little kicks, I am profoundly grateful to be her mom and to have been able to carry her each and every day of this 20 weeks. God has taken me on a journey and it has proved to be the most challenging one yet. Baby girl had two siblings before her that never made it to 12 weeks. I know miscarriages are common, but for each mom, and with each miscarriage, the experience feels devastatingly hopeless and lonely. It doesn't matter how big your support system is, you are the only one that lost the baby and the dream you carried. I am so thankful for my support system and especially for my husband, but this was a process that I had to work through on my own...with the Father. He had some lessons to teach me. Not that I wouldn't have been a good mom before I lost a baby, but I can definitely say I'll be a better mom after losing two. It's one thing to say you trust Him, but it's a whole other ball game to put your money where your mouth is, and actually TRUST Him. I can honestly say that I have worried very little during this pregnancy. I gave her to Him before she was ever conceived and whatever the outcome is His will and He will be there to comfort me or help me raise her. In learning to trust Him in this, it has robbed the devil of the ability to steal my joy in the journey of pregnancy. I will plan and dream for the future without fear of losing it. I can't say the same for my second pregnancy. I worried everyday that I would miscarry until the day it happened. I have an autoimmune disorder that makes it difficult for me to carry babies and requires me to take a shot everyday during my pregnancy. Other than me taking that shot and putting my trust in the One who holds me and my girl, I can't change a thing about how this works out, so why worry. Jeremiah 29:11 has been my favorite scripture for years now, but believing the words while in the midst of the storm, takes trust. If I believe that God has plans for me, then I believe that what I am going through did not catch Him by surprise, but it's part of the plan for me and my babies. If I then believe that those plans are to prosper me and not to harm me, then everything that I'm going through has a purpose and through it I will have hope and a future. He is working ALL things together for my good. I also learned how to be vulnerable and be ok with that. That's always been hard for me. The truth I found out about myself is that I need others, just like everyone else. I needed to be able to verbalize my grief and ask for prayers. I am so grateful for each and every one of the prayers prayed for me and for each and every person that lifted up those prayers. Our loss opened up a deeper level of communication between Brendon and I and our marriage is stronger for it. He is gonna be the best dad and I can't wait to watch it unfold. These lessons were not learned without MANY tears and MANY cries to God to change my circumstances and lessen my pain. He heard every cry and He wiped every tear, but He knew if I could lean on Him and let Him speak to my heart even when it felt like it was in too many pieces to ever be whole again, I would come through a deeper and better me than before. He, like all good fathers, grieves with their child in hard times, but knows that He has to allow us to remain in our circumstances sometimes to learn what we need to navigate life. He doesn't always rescue us, but He will always hold us, love us, and encourage us through it, if we will just invite Him in it. He is a God of the process. It's the process that brings lasting change. I'm grateful for my two babies that are with Him today and I look forward to the day I get to hold them in my arms. Until then, I will hold them in my heart and remember what I learned from my time with them. It's amazing to learn how many women have had miscarriages and it's just such a personal matter to discuss that most women don't. I get that. For me though, it's part of my story. As painful as it was to get through, God used it to get me here, and he can use it to help others. I look forward to the next 20 weeks, and getting to meet my little miracle...my Milla. I love her so much already. I truly am enjoying this journey.

Britt

Pray beyond the promise...

Pray beyond the promise...
These are the words God spoke to me last night after an awesome night of worship and word at #covconf2014. Have you ever prayed for something and even after God has given you the answer/promise, you keep praying about that same thing? When God speaks a promise, it's done. The End. It may take a while for it to manifest, but God didn't change his mind just because we don't see it with our eyes and hear it with our ears...yet. He has set the wheels in motion and it WILL happen. Remember that every word you speak is heard by the enemy and he is plotting his plan of attack based on our words. Don't think for a moment he steps out of the room while you pray. He is hanging on every word. He wants to know the state of your faith. How you pray is important. Our words are our warfare. Choose them wisely. So, stop praying like you don't believe God will do what He said, and start praying for what's next.

Looks like we made it...to 5

I'm just a girl who walked down the isle and married the boy of her dreams, 5 years ago today. I married the most amazing guy...my best friend, Brendon Scott Sales. 11 years ago when he took me on our 1st date for my 21st birthday, I knew. We've pretty much been inseparable ever since. I feel a little lost when he's not with me. Not because he completes me or anything ridiculously sappy like that, but because he's the one I want to share the funny story with, or make the totally inappropriate comment to, or tell him how amazing the food was that I just ate, or just to lean my head over on his shoulder and say I love you...cause I do. We've had a few snafus along the way, but I don't think we've had it as hard as most couples. I guess I have 6 years of dating to thank for that! We knew each other pretty darn well before saying I do. However, dating, at least in our case, did not equal living with. That's a whole different ball game! I'll be the first to admit that I can be a "bit" difficult at times. I think he would disagree...with my using the word "bit"! ;) He never ceases to be able to make me laugh, even when I'm trying my hardest to be mad. It's one of the things I love so much about him. We disagree on quite a few topics and I hate to admit, but when I stop being stubborn and actually consider his point of view, sometimes he's smarter than I am. He challenges me and makes me defend what I believe. He's made me a stronger person and Christian. He's constantly reminding me that there's a flip side to every coin. I have never regretted one single moment or considered for a second that he wasn't the one. I KNOW God brought us together and he is using us to better each other. "Iron sharpens iron." I hope to spend the next 60+ years making each other laugh, enjoying the finest foods the culinary world has to offer, cause we LOVE to eat, and then running our hineys off cause we enjoyed the food too much, and because we enjoy our runs together, watching grown boys beat the snot out of each other as MMA has become our favorite sport, enjoying a week here and there sharing in the joys of being the greatest aunt and uncle in the world, HANDS DOWN!!, and the greater joy of sitting on the couch together and enjoying the silence after we've given them back, and this for sure...loving each other more than we did the day before. "I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend, I'm lucky to have been where we have been..." - Jason Mraz
Thank you, Brendon, for 5 amazing years of marriage and for loving me.

Lessons Learned

I'm just a girl who never wants to forget. As I have spent a lot of the day today, processing the events of the last 6 days, I am filled with a longing to keep the memories alive. I am sad in a way, but more grateful for all the time I spent with the wonderful man whose life we have celebrated over the last 6 days. I had the privilege of spending several summers with he and Mammy and learned so much from both of them. Pawpaw and I shared a lot of time together. A lot of which was in silence, or to the sound of the gravel under the tires of his Ford as we drove down the country roads with the windows down. We just enjoyed doing things together...no words necessary. He taught me how to raise cattle and then buy and sell them at the auction, grow a garden, fix a trailer, drink straight from the water well, eat a freshly picked watermelon,  and to really just enjoy the simple things in life. He taught me the importance of reading the Bible and going to church. He taught me to be slow to anger, as I never remember seeing him angry. He taught me that if you don't have something nice to say, don't speak. I never heard him speak an unkind word against anyone. I heard quite a few people say this week that he was a man with no enemies and everyone who met him loved him. I hope that the same can be said of me. He shared God's love and message with all who would open their hearts and listen. Never forceful, but always willing. He always had a song in his heart and you could either find him picking at his guitar or various other instruments or whistling a tune. Such a peaceful and loving soul and I am so proud and honored to have known and loved him as my Pawpaw. I will NEVER forget and until we meet again, will keep the song going. It may have a little different sound (he loved his southern gospel :), but the source is the same...Love.