Just a girl...expecting

I'm just a girl who has learned a lot about herself in the past several years. One somewhat surprising discovery was that I wanted to be a mom. I can remember as a kid thinking I would someday have kids, but somewhere along the way I had buried that so far down that I didn't know it still existed. Brendon and I were enjoying the carefree life of marrieds with no kids. It was really great. :) And then God unburied my hidden desire. The road to motherhood has been very bumpy and I have fallen a few times, but God didn't put me on a journey He hasn't prepared me to handle. He gave me the most amazing husband, family, and friends who let me stay there a minute and get my bearings and then encouraged me to get back up. He gave me the strength to pull myself back up and His Word to stand on when I finally found my feet beneath me. You see, when you go through tough times, no one can pull you up but you. It's a choice you make to stay on the ground and wallow in defeat, or stand up and continue on the path God has placed you on. Those bumps were two miscarriages that taught me more about myself and others than anything I have ever been though.  I learned how to be vulnerable and that it's not a weakness, but a strength. I learned to give people a break because you never know what battles they are facing that you don't see and they may not have found the strength to talk about. I learned that the loneliest experience of a woman's life is the loss of a child. It's so painful that you don't want to tell people, but at the same time you want to talk with someone who understands the pain...but no one really does. Not because women aren't having them, but because no two experiences are the same. I learned that God's Word is true and He will never leave us alone in our struggles. His Presence was there every second of every day. He didn't say much, but listened and let me cry on His shoulder. I learned that strength isn't in having it all together, but in the ability to adapt to the crashing waves of life and learn to ride the storm instead of letting it overtake and drown you. I learned that God really is my rock and I don't know how people get through these kinds of life experiences without Him. This is not the path I would have chosen for myself, but I wouldn't trade the two little lives that I carried and the life lessons they taught me for anything in the world. I am different...better.

Britt

P.S. I wrote this one, I think, shortly after I found out I was pregnant with Milla, but I wasn't quite ready to share yet.

Grateful

Today marks the halfway point of my pregnancy with my sweet baby girl. While I sit here feeling her little kicks, I am profoundly grateful to be her mom and to have been able to carry her each and every day of this 20 weeks. God has taken me on a journey and it has proved to be the most challenging one yet. Baby girl had two siblings before her that never made it to 12 weeks. I know miscarriages are common, but for each mom, and with each miscarriage, the experience feels devastatingly hopeless and lonely. It doesn't matter how big your support system is, you are the only one that lost the baby and the dream you carried. I am so thankful for my support system and especially for my husband, but this was a process that I had to work through on my own...with the Father. He had some lessons to teach me. Not that I wouldn't have been a good mom before I lost a baby, but I can definitely say I'll be a better mom after losing two. It's one thing to say you trust Him, but it's a whole other ball game to put your money where your mouth is, and actually TRUST Him. I can honestly say that I have worried very little during this pregnancy. I gave her to Him before she was ever conceived and whatever the outcome is His will and He will be there to comfort me or help me raise her. In learning to trust Him in this, it has robbed the devil of the ability to steal my joy in the journey of pregnancy. I will plan and dream for the future without fear of losing it. I can't say the same for my second pregnancy. I worried everyday that I would miscarry until the day it happened. I have an autoimmune disorder that makes it difficult for me to carry babies and requires me to take a shot everyday during my pregnancy. Other than me taking that shot and putting my trust in the One who holds me and my girl, I can't change a thing about how this works out, so why worry. Jeremiah 29:11 has been my favorite scripture for years now, but believing the words while in the midst of the storm, takes trust. If I believe that God has plans for me, then I believe that what I am going through did not catch Him by surprise, but it's part of the plan for me and my babies. If I then believe that those plans are to prosper me and not to harm me, then everything that I'm going through has a purpose and through it I will have hope and a future. He is working ALL things together for my good. I also learned how to be vulnerable and be ok with that. That's always been hard for me. The truth I found out about myself is that I need others, just like everyone else. I needed to be able to verbalize my grief and ask for prayers. I am so grateful for each and every one of the prayers prayed for me and for each and every person that lifted up those prayers. Our loss opened up a deeper level of communication between Brendon and I and our marriage is stronger for it. He is gonna be the best dad and I can't wait to watch it unfold. These lessons were not learned without MANY tears and MANY cries to God to change my circumstances and lessen my pain. He heard every cry and He wiped every tear, but He knew if I could lean on Him and let Him speak to my heart even when it felt like it was in too many pieces to ever be whole again, I would come through a deeper and better me than before. He, like all good fathers, grieves with their child in hard times, but knows that He has to allow us to remain in our circumstances sometimes to learn what we need to navigate life. He doesn't always rescue us, but He will always hold us, love us, and encourage us through it, if we will just invite Him in it. He is a God of the process. It's the process that brings lasting change. I'm grateful for my two babies that are with Him today and I look forward to the day I get to hold them in my arms. Until then, I will hold them in my heart and remember what I learned from my time with them. It's amazing to learn how many women have had miscarriages and it's just such a personal matter to discuss that most women don't. I get that. For me though, it's part of my story. As painful as it was to get through, God used it to get me here, and he can use it to help others. I look forward to the next 20 weeks, and getting to meet my little miracle...my Milla. I love her so much already. I truly am enjoying this journey.

Britt